Tired Soup for the Chicken Soul

Ngayon sa ‘king pag-iisa

Nahihibang sa kaiisip Kung iiwasan ka.

Hahayaan ko na bang

Tuluyan nang ibaon sa limot ang ala-ala mo?

At ang lahat ng iyong mga sinabi

Sa akin,

Maari bang limutin ang nangyari sa atin?

Nguni’t bago ka lumisan Palayain ako.

Nguni’t bago ka lumisasn Palayain ako.

Ako pa rin ay nagtatanong

Kung meron pang kaunting pag-asang

Magkabalikan

Pero ayoko nang maulit pa

Nguni’t bago ka lumisan

Palayain ako.

Palayain ako.

Sumisigaw, lahat ay sinabi sa’yo

Sumisigaw.

Lahat ay sinabi sa ‘yo

Sumisigaw.

Sumisigaw.

Ano ang iyong madarama?

Kung malaman mong ito’y panaginip lang

Ano ang iyong maiisip?

Kung bukas ay di ka na muling gigising pa?

Ngunit bago ka lumisan.

palayain ako.

Palayain ako.

<paramita>

they killed you on the eve of my birthday.

it was around 10:30 in the morning. i just woke up from a long sleep, a sleep i so needed (and missed) for around five months — a sleep where i wake up without worrying about school works. but i heard you cry, that wailing, helpless plea from those who were currently ending your life. it wasn’t a pleasant morning after all.

it was drizzling. it seemed that the heavens knew your suffering. The heavens didn’t only know, it felt your pain and had cried with you all the way — also as helpless as you were.

As for me, i felt a pang of pain looking at you from the windows. what can i do to stop you from dying? it was already too late. You were already dead. And as if to add insult to injury, they still continued to inflict pain on you. They never heard your cries, nor the heavens’, nor mine.

Who would ever think that in your silent existence you have created secret enemies? That you have bred ire and distaste from those around you? Life is really mysterious.

But then again, you already lived a full life. You have done your purpose. If there is one thing that saddens me it is that it wasn’t the storms, nor the lightnings, nor the drought which killed you — for your death, was a death without a fight.

But i hope you knew that you always had a friend — a kid who was fascinated by the mysticism that you were enveloped with, who enjoyed the shelter you gave him during the sunny days and the protection you gave him during those stormy nights, and who was impressed by the towering majesty that you were. You have seen this kid grow, this kid saw you grew old. There is a tinge of envy in him knowing that he has a lot to go through while you already lived most of your life.

I hope you know that a friend mourns for you, and have learned and realized a lot of things because of your death. There is one lonely soul who will miss you.

Goodbye my friend. I mourn your death on my birthday.

*for the old (even older than my parents) acacia tree in front of our house which they cut today because they said it was a nuisance.

"I hate when things are over, when so much is left undone."

                                      -Deep Blue Something (breakfast at tiffany’s)

My week was one roller coaster ride.

GIVING UP

I tried out for the Philippine Law Journal. I took the 9am-4pm sit down essay exam. i absented myself from tax. i failed to study for this week’s succession, public international law,and tax because of researching for the legal paper requirement on a one-week deadline. Friday 3pm, i gave up writing the paper. but with important reasons. still, i gave up. damn. my closest friends know i want to be in that editorial board badly. too bad. i think i just have to take the exam again next year. i just need to rant this out.

AN EXEMPTION TO THE GENERAL RULE

All those hardwork, staying up late, and mental torture came to a waste. fine. i accept it. but to cap it all up, i got called for recitation in our TAX class. damn. this, by far is, to my opinion, the worst recitation i ever had. As my good friend/blocmate said. "yes, it was your worst. because it was not a recitation at all." first time that i was stumped. never said a word. i wanted to scream to the professor that this was an exemption to the general rule that i go to class prepared. oh well, so much for sacrifices and being a loser in the end. life is still it.

BEING IN THE MIDDLE

this one is intentionally vague, my apologies.

i guess i’m tired of being in the middle. it’s either here or there, this or that, yes or no, for me. i want definiteness. i’m tired of being frustrated. or i’m simply tired. i play by the rules. rules that are intentionally being changed. i want to play using my rules now. so much for ruining lives and being ruined. tell me what is real. i want to know.

NOT MY INTENTIONS

apologies. apologies. apologies to you. really.

I found myself contemplating on a remark made by my Civil Procedure professor during our class today.

He asked a question (and the question was addressed to me): What is the remedy of a person who failed to repudiate an amicable settlement within the 10 day period granted by law? (the law school jargon will end here, don’t worry)

Me: (thinking… cause i do not know the answer) sir… uumm… he can file…

Prof: no, he wont file, but what..

Me: Um –

Prof: He will just not comply with the amicable settlement. Ignore it. wait for the other party to ask the court to enforce it… wait again… (and so on and so forth)

Prof: Thank you, Mr. M.

He goes on with his lecture until he finally said: it is called avoidance as a form of dispute settlement.

That struck me… cause people are guilty of doing that all the time. Avoidance — avoidance of the issues, avoidance of the problems, avoidance of the persons. Avoidance. Avoidance. Avoidance.

The "Rules of Avoidance" as my friend would term it. If a conflict arises between two persons, the easiest and most convenient way to face the problem, is ironically — to avoid it. And that oftentimes include the person one has a problem with — simple yet elegant.

But that won’t solve any problem right? Sooner or later we either get tired or get used to the situation, and in both situation we’ll lose. It is because we either stop the avoidance and face the problem realizing we just delayed what could have been settled before, or we just go on with our life like nothing happened though we know very well that something is wrong.

A problem won’t solve itself. One way or another, we should actively seek solutions to our problems, and if our ways and means do not help in fixing it, we could at least commend ourselves for trying.

After all, just as my professor commented in the solution he posted… "But is it (avoidance) ethical?"

Avoidance may not seem to be a question of ethics, but actually it is. It is because when we avoid something, it means we are not doing something we ought to be doing or ought to have done.

they say that if a song kept playing inside your head, the solution is to sing it from start to end. but what if you don’t know the whole song? or what if they are so many that after singing a whole song another one replaces it?

in my vain hope to get these songs to stop playing inside my mind, i’m listing them here (with parts of the lyrics that stick to my mind the most). not that i’m betting they are bygones by tomorrow. haha.

1. Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind

I’ve never felt alone, till I met you. I’m alright on my own, till I met you. And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s coming.
I would change myself if I could.I’d walk with my own people if I could find them, And I would say that I’m sorry to you, I’m sorry to you, but I don’t want to call you, But then I want to call you cause I don’t want to crush you, But I feel like crushing you…

2. Beer - Itchyworms

Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan. Bawat patak sumasarap. Ano ba talagang mas gusto ko? Ang beer na ito o ang pag-ibig mo?

3. Boys Don’t Cry - Plumb

What would you say to me, if you could talk to me? You could ask anything, I wouldn’t lie. But you’re ok with this. Damaging awkwardness. So, i’ll just play it safe and keep it inside. Boys don’t cry.

4. All Good Things - Nelly Furtado (love this to the core!)

well the dogs were barking at the new moon. whistling in a new tune. hoping it would come soon. so that they could die.

5. I’m Still Here - Vertical Horizon

if you were right and i was wrong, why are you the one whose gone while i’m still here?

6. Stuck in a Moment - U2

You’ve got to get yourself together you’ve got stuck in a moment and now you can’t get out of it. don’t say that later would be better, now you’re stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it.

7. Cable Car - The Fray

Suddenly, im becoming part of the past, becoming the part that don’t last. i’m losing you and its effortless.

8. Crawling - Linkin Park (brings back hazy afternoons of my College days)

discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me. distracting. reacting. against my will i stand beside my own reflection. it’s haunting how i can’t seem to find myself again. my walls are closing in…

9. Flicker - Up Dharma Down (funny how this song makes me want to watch Ang Pamana: The Inheritance)

i am looking for a tool to seeing you. when will i ever get to see beyond the other side?

10. Irreplaceable - Beyonce (sounds like a nursery rhyme to me…)

To the left, to the left…

11. I’m Just a Kid - Simple Plan

I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare.

there it goes. i hope i could sleep for the meantime.

These days bring back a nostalgic feeling of that time in kindergarten where i can’t fit the few remaining pieces of puzzle to complete a simple picture of an animal, of the time in grade school where i cannot see how my woodworking project had gone wrong, of that time in highschool where i memorized the formula but still cannot solve that stupid chemistry problem, and that time in undergrad where i can’t seem to complete the steps to solve that symbolic logic exercise.
There is something that i cannot figure out. When all the while I’ve thought I’ve been doing the right things, and making careful steps to protect what i think i’ve been holding, and after assessing and reassessing  all the actions that I’ve done, i am left dumbfounded, asking myself why, when i think that everything is going smoothly and fine, it just turns out that it was not after all. I JUST CAN’T SEE WHERE I’VE GONE WRONG. or better yet, WHERE DOES THE PROBLEM LIE?
I am really getting frustrated. Can coldness be suddenly conjured out of thin air? What is to be given more weight, one’s words or actions? I cannot reconcile how a person says one thing but does another totally different thing from what one just said. I DON’T KNOW. I REALLY DON’T KNOW. I just don’t get why a supposed to be simple thing can be so complicated.
All I know is that I’ve been true and genuine all this time.

i think i’m going to be sick tomorrow because of the conversation i had today. kidding.

just got into a really good and emotional conversation with two of my dearest friends. feels good to let some of what i’ve been keeping inside come out just like that. made me realize that if i wanted to, someone will listen. and the thing is, its not easy letting other people know what I really feel. and to think i kept on ranting how much i wanted to talk about myself. haha. but thanks guys, you made it easier… much more easier.

today was a day of introspection for me. i get to see myself in the eyes of another. i get to reflect on what i have been consciously and unconsciously doing, and what my actions meant to some people. this was a day when i see myself as the bad, the insensitive, the insecure boy (but still innocent and lacking any bad intentions). haha. but i say it feels good.

today was a day of honesty.this was a day when my past actions were assessed by someone other than me. today was different because it lacked the flatteries and politeness that usual conversations contain. today was a day of frankness, of faces turning red out of shame, and of hurtful laughs and jokes.

today was a day of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, macaroni salad, and chocolate mousse.

today i felt a little better. but not quiet near from being ok. but i realized that i’m still sane.

to hear the advise of others is one thing, to do it is another. don’t worry my friends, i’ll think about it.

this post lacks coherence. so what? i’m tired of coherence anyway.

When Philippine politics is in a state of great animation (which they  say should be of great interest to someone studying law), when a lot of Filipinos are suffering due to a recent calamity, and when all the guests in that certain Dj’s radio show gets into trouble, is it wrong to put them all at the periphery and for a brief (and may i say "rare") moment of your life think about yourself?

All your life you have been brainwashed to think that the world does not revolve around you, and that you should be careful in asserting your self-interests, lest you thread in dangerous waters of arrogance and eventual self-destruction. When the word "selfishness" brings a tinge of aversion and guilt, and acts of altruism for you is real rather than illusory, a vague feeling of despair wraps you during the moment when all you want to think about is yourself. And you know that this time, that desire has not a bit of vanity nor self-love in it.

Then you get frustrated. You want to let it out, to talk about it. You remember multitude of episodes when people go to you and tell you their angst and all their cares in the world and you have the ever ready lending ear to listen, no, not just to listen. You listen patiently. You contemplate about the difference of what they are saying, what they are trying to say, and what they are not saying. You react. You make them happy because you understood. They thank you. You are happy because you just made someone feel good (and i mean genuine happiness), realizing that the whole conversation was just about them. You don’t think they are selfish, they just needed you.

You expect the same. You ask your self "with whom?". You choose. The choices are limited (you are somewhat surprised). You try. You get disappointed. Has not the world realized that you have your problems too? That sometimes it is the mouth that is willing to talk, and the ears that want to rest? You wonder why your sensitivity to the need of others does not translate to a reciprocated sensitivity when you have been sending silent distress calls all this time. But you try again, after all your sarcasm is only a ploy to hide your ever optimistic view of life. You fail again. Then you learn to shut up and keep it to yourself (hoping that it would not develop into a cancerous lump). You smile that "genuine" smile of yours [which you say you can never ever fake (its genuine in the first place. stupid. haha)] and go on with your life with a question hanging in your head "am i alone?" But of course you would not admit that! (and so will they).

Then after a while you contemplate. You look into "the other side." You tell yourself they probably have their problems too. "how selfish can you get?", you say to yourself. You try to understand (and go back to paragraph two MODE). After all, you are but human. And humans are creatures of habit. You never learn. You laugh. Or you thought you did. Until you felt something wet running down your cheek. You wipe it out. No one saw it anyway.

there are a few reasons why i just started to post blogs. i had a blog account back in college. i think it was in blogspot, but never, even once, did i post anything. i don’t even remember my account name, more so my password. Aside from the usual alibi’s like "i don’t have the time" or "i lack the inspiration", there are two reasons why, when the whole world has already posted numerous blogs, i just started making mine.

The first reason has something to do with being profound. reading the blogs of my friends, and seeing that they have written something profound or something amusing, makes me think twice whether or not i have something to post that is worth a reader’s time. i am really not a profound writer, nor do my thoughts always hover over things that are of importance to the nation (or to the world for that matter). furthermore, i cannot carry long discourses on philosophies nor are my thoughts about life highly philosophical. my thoughts dance over the mundane — how a McDonald’s caramel sundae made my day, why i really liked a book, or how this thing made me happy or made me feel bad. nothing spectacular. nothing profound.

The second reason is vulnerability. i always felt that posting a blog is giving a big chunk of me for the whole world to munch on, its putting myself in a position open to attack — thus making me vulnerable. and its not a good feeling. i told this issue to one of my friends, and that friend told me that it would not hurt if i give it a try.

So i tried. and whaalla! I have two drafts here which i will never ever post because they simply give out too much of myself (i guess thats what happens when you get used to writing in your personal journal). Then i found a solution — SELF-CENSORSHIP. I edit out those which i think i should not be saying or that which i should be saying but i do not want the world to know. a good device i must say - i can post what i want and not get too vulnerable. but here comes the fallback - my posts are too short and too vague. I realized this when a friend texted me and sent a friendster message asking me if my post (entitled FUNNY) was referring to him/her (let’s keep my friend’s identity and sex confidential. haha). I laughed because the post was not about that friend (and yes, i assure you again my friend, its not about you). This incident, by the way, proves my point that blogging is dangerous (haha) and that also, too much SELF-CENSORSHIP will get me nowhere in this blogging world. so now, i will promise (to my imaginary readers and audience) not to censor myself too much.

Saying this leads to my last point which is somehow off-tangent with this post. i just remembered how some people are appalled with the idea of BIG BROTHER (while i am very amazed with it)  — they deem it a form of vouyerism. I must agree that watching other people do their thing is a form of vouyerism, but there is nothing offensive nor appalling with it for the simple reason that we all want to watch and observe others, and we secretly want (desire is a better word) to be watched and stalked. we are all vouyers and victims of vouyerism. that’s why we blog.

its funny how people think they are worthless and unloved just because the one person they like (or love for that matter) failed to show the care they expect that person to give them. its funny how they fail to see that there are so many other people around them who really care, like their other friends… or maybe those other people who never let them down for the simple reason that they are just happy to be with that person.

how can we expect people to always reciprocate our affection, when we ourselves are guilty of neglecting other people who care for us?

funny. really funny.