Tired Soup for the Chicken Soul

A friend told me that instead of having a New Year’s Resolution, you should list your concrete goals for the coming year. Here’s my list. I hope by the end of 2009 I can cross out all of them, or at least, majority of the numbers. Hehe. So to you my friends, a help in fulfilling a dream or two is very much appreciated. 

1. Visit a planetarium. (Though the digital planetarium in MOA is intriguing, I still want to visit one of the old-school type.) Experiencing a 30-minute planetarium show is the closest I could get to fulfill my dream of leaving Earth even just for a day.

2. Rediscover Manila (i.e. TOUR Manila’s old charms like Quiapo, Luneta Park, National Museum, Fort Santiago, China Town, etc.)

3. Graduate.

4. Travel outside the country. And I’m hoping its gonna be for free – at least monetarily because as we all know, there is no such thing as a free lunch! *wish wish*

5. Take the bar and pass it. (passing it with flying colors is, of course a welcome extra.)

6. Visit PALAWAN or CDO.

7. Live a healthy lifestyle. Maintain weight in ideal level.

8. While waiting for the results of the bar (and after a month or two of rest), get a NON-law related job. I’m thinking modeling (haha) or callcenter – or maybe my childhood dream of being a fastfood crew.

9. Pursue a lovelife. (haha. I have three months to do this since I promised myself not to have any distractions till after the bar examinations.) October to December – Love come to me!!!! Bwehehe.

10. Update my cyberlife. (i.e. upload pictures, get in touch with long lost friends, blog more often)

11. Learn a new language - preferably French or Spanish.

12. Be a true-blue advocate of something.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“angry no more. lonely no more. dissatisfied no more.”

I wish I was back in those times when i fell in love with David Hume’s philosophy. Those times when I chose to believe him when he said that there is no such thing as causation.

That there is only a series of unconnected events.

That it is just out of habit that we think one event caused the next.

That there is no certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow just because it did today.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow are different. Separate. Distinct. Unconnected.

Until I realized the absurdity of such extreme positivism.

But now, I wish we were Hume-ans.

I wish we’d make an exemption. Just once. Just for this instance. And believe that the things we keep on doing are not necessarily mistakes just because they were before. That the past, the present and the future are not connected.

Or maybe I’m just wishing a little change of perspective. Just a slight one. Just for this instance.

Life is short. And that fact is the very reason why we always have to make choices – so that we don’t get stuck. But it’s sad that sometimes our choice boils down to what was there first, because as much as we realize the reality of change, we are so afraid of it. We let go of what we truly want for what we need, for the familiar, for the secure, for the comfortable.

After all, who in his proper mind would choose the difficult?

The difficult. The unsure. The unstable. We call them by these names precisely because we don’t know them. And they would remain that way because we never get to be brave enough to choose them. They would stay that way – a mystery we’ll ponder, until the time we learn to forget our desire to have them… because time is, after all, our friend. It helps us forget. That’s why we have also forgotten that the thing we need, the familiar, the secure, the comfortable were once the things we call difficult. They are the very same thing we were afraid of, that is now a source of our comfort, and in a sense, a source of our stagnation, of our sweet sorrow. And we realize that time doesn’t help us forget, it only makes us numb.

We ask ourselves, “what is it to settle for something less?” It is having the thing we want but not fully? Or fully having something we want less? Our answers remain ambivalent. Life doesn’t have that many choices anyway. Contentment after all is just a state of mind. Life is short. “It’s now or never” isn’t a cliché for nothing.

The difficult shouts. The difficult screams. The difficult wails. The difficult pleads. Until the shouting, screaming, and pleading turn into faint whispers. We have slowly walked away from it. Or is it the other way around? The truth is, it does not matter. It’s gone.

Regina Spektor sings:

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

sigh…

Interpret this blog entry any way you wish. See it as cowardice or courage, meaningful or plain b*llsh*t, fun or pun. I do not care. I just know that this exercise would do me good. The rules of this game are simple. First, state a line you want to tell someone (either you didn’t have the chance to say it, you don’t have the guts, or you just simply can’t or don’t want to say it to their face). Second, do not state to whom it is addressed to (the range of the persons involved here are those from your past, present, and future maybe!). Third, only one line should be addressed per person (so no two lines are meant for the same person). Fourth, let the readers speculate and have fun (read: no name dropping please. You might be wrong!). Haha. I mean for someone like me who seldom talks about feelings and perceptions, this game rocks! Thanks to my friend Rhea for giving me this idea. It’s a very clever outlet.

Let’s begin!

1.       I like the way you think, I like the way you look, I like the way you treat me, and now I’m asking myself: Am I starting to like you? I’m getting confused.

2.       You make me do things I do not want to. Commend yourself.

3.       I confess, I’m not totally innocent, nor are you totally blameless. But just so it’s clear, it wasn’t me. I swear. But sorry still, I have wronged you in some other way you don’t want to know.

4.       When I think of you, I think about ***. I can’t help it.

5.       Don’t think that I do not know, because I do.

6.       Reality check: not everyone’s out to get you, others don’t even care.

7.       You’ve changed. I know I don’t have the right, but I just hate that fact. I miss the old you!

8.       There’s nothing left. It’s all gone.

9.       Oh please, sift the jokes from the serious stuffs.

10.   I may not be cultured, but I know I am raised well by my parents. I just don’t know if yours did.

11.   I guess all I want now is some explanation. I believe I am entitled to that.

12.   You are a breath of fresh air.

13.   You asked me once if I was happy to have met you and I answered no, and that I wished we never met because you make life complicated, well… I lied and I’m regretting it.

14.   Tell me you’re joking. Because you give me the creeps sometimes.

15.   It’s nice to know that someone listens.

16.   I appreciate it. But I expected more I guess.

17.   You tempt me in ways you do not even know. So stop. NOT!

18.   I’m saddened by the fact that you’re leaving.

19.   I’m glad you stepped out of the dark side. (chuckles!)

20.   Now, I know how you feel.

During those days when I was facing so many problems and issues, I told myself that I shouldn’t be going through such unnecessary ordeal, that I do not deserve to be in such a situation.

But I was wrong. If there is one thing that I realized out of everything that happened, it is that no ordeal is unnecessary.

An ordeal is a test of character. In each and every ordeal we are thrown into, there is only one challenge: to become a better person after. It is to rise above everything that happened and be able to say that this ordeal only made me more than I was before, without any air of vanity and self-admiration. It is because during those times you also realized your flaws, your weakness, your limits, and even your biases. You realized how imperfect you are and to what extent the boundaries of your reasons are, and how sometimes emotion must kick in to move you.

It is during these trying times that you learn the limits of patience, the value of courage, the difference of appearance and reality, and mostly, the authenticity of sacrifice. It is to sacrifice a lot of things not bearing in mind if it was all worth it, but simply acknowledging that you did, and that as much as your sacrifice made you lose some things, it as well led to some gains.

These gains are the realizations you have made: that abrasiveness may indicate truthfulness, and niceties otherwise; that friendship is as good as a principle as that of the value of a promise; that truth withheld may be because it was for your own good, or you didn’t deserve to hear it in the first place; that the feeling of sadness and hurt instead of anger signify how well you have taken things thrown at you.

These gains are also the people and things you have come to appreciate, appreciate more, or appreciate less; those that you have come to love, to love more, to love less, but never hate; those that you have come to respect, to respect more, or to respect less, but never totally disrespect; those which you learn to admire, admire more, or admire less, but never dislike; the things and people that changed who you are, and who you will become.

After everything’s over, you are still the same person who stupidly dances in front of the mirror, you still look at your zits, complain about your receding hairline, and wish that those stubborn flabs would disappear. But somehow you feel sad knowing that you’ll never look at people and things the same way again. As much as you’ve changed, so did everything else. You just hope that such change will prove itself to be good.

I am a rain person –by that I mean that I love that kind of weather. Raining sends a certain mix of melancholy and euphoria, which only rain could trigger.

It has been raining all throughout this particular afternoon. It’s cold, damp, and a little dark (some would describe this as a gloomy afternoon). Then, while studying for tomorrow’s class, I had to stop because an overwhelming number of memories flooded me which hindered me from concentrating to what I was doing. So I stopped and just let the memories flow through me… because this particular rain reminded me of so many things.

It reminded me of my childhood and the first rain of Mays. I would watch the rain at our porch and I would extend my hands to catch some raindrops. My grandfather would insist that I should rub rainwater on my tummy, otherwise I would get sick. I would blindly oblige fearing that my mother would get mad if I get sick. There was something special about the first rain of May that you just had to rub the rainwater you catch to your tummy. There was a certain magic in it, a magic that still lingers even now that I’m grown up.

It reminded me of my Junior Officer Cadet Corps (JOCC) training days where our upper classmen would leave us out in the rain drenched and soaking wet. But we, the trainees, would love those moments – because rains meant we are not fried by the scorching heat of the sun. The rain was our savior. And we would savor every moment of it – pretending not to enjoy it, but loving every minute of it.

It reminded me of lazy rainy afternoons back in Los Banos, where my housemates and I would just stay at our apartment, play some computer games, eat pancit canton or instant noodles and just talk about silly things. The door of our apartment would be open so that the cold breeze would enter and we would see the rain touch the green grass in front of our building. When the rain subsides, I would go to the roof top and watch the fog hover over at Mt. Makiling and see how lusciously green the vegetations there are at the moment and when I turn to gaze to the other side, I’ll see the lower area of Los Banos (including Olivarez Plaza <laughs>) covered in fog, as well as the Laguna de Bay. Majestic scenery. Priceless.

It also reminded me of that night when one of my housemates asked me a favor to set-up his surprise candle-lit dinner for his girlfriend at our rooftop. Everything was set – the table (which I had to bring from the second floor to the 4^th floor), the lighted candles, the CD player with romantic music playing, the pizza and the pasta (no, I did not cook them, I had them delivered). So I went back into our apartment and I was waiting for them to arrive when I suddenly heard rainfall. So I ran for the rooftop to salvage everything I could. No candle-lit dinner at the rooftop for them. But the night still ended well with me eating the pizza with them inside our apartment (minus the romantic music and the candle light of course!). Yes, three is a crowd.

Rain also reminded me of one particular rainy afternoon – a bitter sweet memory of me walking with someone under one umbrella. The umbrella wasn’t doing its job, but it was nevertheless alright.

It reminded me of the tricycle race (yeah, it was a race not a simple ride) back in Pagudpud where the locals who toured us in their tricycles raced through the highways of Pagudpud (where very few automobiles pass). It was both sunny and raining (you know what I mean), and I was seated at the back of the motorcycle (which by the way has no roof) and the speed of the trike made the raindrops hurt and sting my skin, but I did not mind. The adrenaline rush was getting into me – excited and scared at the same time with the thought that a speeding car might hit us any moment. It was also the moment when I said to myself I was ready to die (but upon coming back to Manila, I thought otherwise).

It reminded me of that stormy night at Mt. Pinatubo crater where I was in my tent feeling very cold (imagine: night-top of a mountain-raining cold <oh, and I was wearing shorts>) and my blanket was in my bag somewhere outside but I was too drunk to stand up so I just imagined I was in Sahara to feel a little warmer. I summoned all my strength to stand up only to realize that it was pitch black outside and I have no way of feeling my way through the darkness. So I just went back into the tent and thought of the arid deserts of the Sahara again.

It reminded me of a friend who believed that rain won’t make us sick and insisted we have a talk outside in a cold, raining night – just to prove the theory. The two hour talk was a trivial, useless, yet fun chitchat. And yeah, the theory was wrong. We both got sick the next day – the price I have to pay for experimenting with rain.

It reminded me that today, I am alone in my apartment.

(don’t read up if you haven’t read parts I and II)

Alam mo namang niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo.  Hindi naman maiibsan ng kahit ilang pagsakay sa taxi, panonood ng sine, pagkain ng donut, at pagtulog ng mahimbing ang nararamdaman mong kalungkutan. Lahat sila ay panandalian lamang tumatanggal sa sakit na iyong nararamdaman. Hindi naman sa habang panahon ay magkakasya ka na lamang sa taas babang pag-inog ng iyong emosyon. Gusto mo rin matapos ang lahat.

Pero paano? Ang mahirap kasi kadalasan, ang bagay na nagpapalungkot sa’yo ay siya ring mismong bagay na makakapagpasaya sa iyo. Saan ka ngayon lulugar? Umiwas ka sa bagay na ito, magiging malungkot ka. Lumapit ka naman, masasaktan ka. Ayun, asa gitna ka tuloy ngayon. Hindi mo alam ang gagawin mo.

Pero nagpapasalamat ka pa rin dahil nakakaramdam ka ng kalungkutan. Mas maigi na iyon kaysa makaramdam ka ng galit o takot o pagkainis. Mahirap kasi kapag galit ang umiral sa iyo. Kapag malungkot ka kasi, nakakapag-isip ka pa ng tama, ngunit kapag galit ang isang tao, nabubulagan na ito sa kung ano ang tama at mali, kung ano ang masama sa mabuti. Kapag takot naman ang isang tao, hindi na ito gagawa ng hakbang para makaalis sa kinatatayuan niya pagkat iisipin niyang baka mas masama pa ang kahantungan niya. At kapag ang isang tao ay nakakaramdam ng pagkainis, ibig sabihin sawa na talaga ito at nawawalan na ng pag-asa. Pero ang kalungkutan ay nagpapaalala na minsan kang naging masaya, at naghihintay ka lamang maging masaya ka muli.

Hanggang hindi nawawala ang kalungkutan sa iyo, alam kong pilit mong ipapakita na masaya ka. Hindi ka pa kasi handang magbahagi ng iyong problema. Sabi kasi ni Doraemon, "Huwag mong ipakitang malungkot ka kung hindi ka naman magsasabi ng problema, para kang nag-alok ng hopia pero di mo naman ibibigay." Maiintindihan ka din nila.

Oo, may mga taong nagmamahal sa iyo na handa kang tulungan. Pero sa huli, sarili mo lang din ang makakapagpaalis sa iyo sa kalungkutan na iyong nararamdaman. Sabi nga nila, ang kasiyahan ay isang desisyon. Gawin mo ang desiyon ngayon, kahit gaano katagal pa bago mo marating ito, ang mahalaga pinili mong maging masaya.

(do not proceed if you haven’t read PART I, you might not be able to relate.)

sa pagpapatuloy…

Ikalawa, NAKAKATABA ang kalungkutan.

Siempre, kapag malungkot ka, di mo maiwasang kumain. Hindi lang basta kain, lamon ang ginagawa mo. Ewan ko ba sa’yo. Yung iba kasi kapag nalulungkot walang ganang kumain, ikaw naman walang inatupag kundi bumili ng kung anu-anong mangangasab. Ang problema pa sa iyo, hindi lang basta pagkain ang binibili mo. Marami ka na ngang kinakain, mahal pa. Mahilig ka pa naman sa Krispy Kreme. Bukod sa 36 pesos isang piraso nun (balik tayo sa unang dahilan), aba’y nagsusumigaw na calories ang donut na yun! Eh hindi bale kung kontento ka na sa isang original glazed (mas mura ito, 30 pesos lang), pero hindi… ang gusto mo ay yung may mga flavors… hershey’s collection, chocolate, maple, at yung custard stuffed nila. Hindi ka rin kuntento sa isa, ang pinakamababa mong konsumpsiyon ay tatlo sa isang upuan. Aba, saan ka na pupulutin niyan? Nasaan na ang pagiging health conscious mo? Ok lang. Malungkot ka naman.

Pagkatapos mong kumain, sa halip na mag-ehersisyo ka o gumawa ng mga pisikal na aktibidad para pawisan (o mag-aral man lamang, pagkat nakakapawis din iyon), natutulog ka. Parang hindi mo isinapuso ang doktrinang "Huwag matutulog kapag busog." Bukod sa maari kang bangungutin (sabi ng iyong ina, na hindi mo naman talaga pinaniwalaan), bumabagal din ang metabolismo ng iyong katawan, hindi tuloy nasusunog ang mga calories na nakonsumo mo. Ayun, mag-uumpisa nang makita sa iyong katawan ang mga pagkaing hindi mo naman dapat kinain. Mamaya, isa ka nang naglalakad na malaking donut. Buti sana kung Krispy Kreme ang brand mo… eh mukhang ang kalebel mo lamang ay ang mga "bilohabang donut na may keso sa loob" na binebenta ng mga manang sa tabi-tabi. Lalo ka lang magiging kawawa. Pero sa ngayon, ok lang. Malungkot ka naman.

Ikatlo, bukod sa nakakataba ang pagtulog, MASAMA rin ang sobra nito. Alam ko naman  kung bakit gusto mo laging matulog. Kasi kapag tulog ka, malaki ang posibilidad na mananaginip ka. Dati-rati, gusto mo masaya ang mapapaginipan mo, pero ngayon wala ka nang pakialam. Panget man o maganda, basta ang mahalaga nananaginip ka. Alam mo kasi na sa panaginip, ilang beses ka mang magkamali, mapahiya, umiyak, pumatay, makasakit, o masaktan, alam mong hindi ka maaapektuhan dahil hindi ito totoo. Alam mong pagmulat ng mga mata mo, lahat ng iyon ay mawawala at mabubura. Minsan pa nga kahit nananaginip ka pa, kayang-kaya mong ibahin ang sitwasyon. Malaya ka sa mga panaginip mo. Malaya ka kapag ikaw ay tulog.

Hindi tulad pag ikaw ay gising. Wala kang magawa kundi pagsisihan ang iyong mga pagkakamali dahil alam mong hindi mo kayang ibalik ang nakaraan. Wala kang magawa kundi sumubok at humiling na sa huli ay aayos ang lahat. Ang mga sakit na nararamdaman mo kasi kapag gising ay totoo.

Ngunit masama ang makasanayang mahumaling sa panaginip, dahil baka sa huli, maisipan mong huwag ka na lamang magising.

(itutuloy…)

(apologies for my friend who insists that blogs should always be written in English. I think that some thoughts are better said in the vernacular.)

Di ka na dapat malungkot.

Oo, maraming dahilan para maging malungkot, ngunit marami ring dahilan kung bakit dapat umalis ka na sa ganyang estado ng emosyon. Sa huli, ikaw pa rin naman ang talunan kung hindi mo tutulungan ang sarili mong makaahon sa ganyang uri ng sitwasyon. Kapag hindi ka nag-umpisa ngayon, mas mahihirapan ka ng bumawi at bumalik sa maayos na desposisyon ng buhay mo. Yun din naman talaga ang hinihiling at inaasam mo. Tama ba ako?

Sana lang, sapat ang mga dahilang ito para maisip mong "tama na, ayoko na maging malungkot."

Unang-una, MAGASTOS maging malungkot.

Kapag malungkot ka kasi, hindi ka mapakali. Hindi ka makapirmi sa isang lugar. Gusto mo palagi ay may ginagawa ka para ang atensyon mo ay mabaling sa ibang bagay at di maisip ang bagay na nagpapalungkot sa’yo. Gusto mo laging may kasama. Kapag nag-iisa ka kasi bigla-bigla nalang pumapatak ang mga luha sa mata mo. Naiinis ka kasi di mo mapigilan. Pakiramdam mo masisiraan ka ng bait. Natatakot ka tuloy mag-isa. Kaya naman ang ginagawa mo, labas ka ng labas kasama ang kung sino-sino — mga kaibigan at kakilala. wala kang pakialam, ang mahalaga hindi mo maramdamang nag-iisa ka.

Aalis ka tuloy ng iyong bahay. Ayaw mo magjeep kahit alam mong 7.50 lang ang minimum fare nito. Di naman kasi kasenti-senti sumakay ng jeep. Mausok at mahangin, maari pang may putok ang katabi mo. Pagbaba mo tuloy nito, magulo na ang buhok mo. Masuwerte ka na kung maging amoy usok ka lang, eh pano pag dumikit sa iyo ang putok ng katabi mo?

Ok sana ang MRT, pwede ka sana magsenti dun. Ganun kasi sa mga pelikula - maraming magagandang eksena ang nangyayari sa mga istasyon ng tren. Ok na sana kaya lang naisip mo, paano ka magsesenti dun? Ang dami kasing sumasakay sa MRT. Marami ring taong walang sasakyan katulad mo. Simula pa ng pinaghiwalay ang mga pasaherong lalaki sa babae, naging siksikan pa lalo. Buti sana kung para lang kayong nasa lata ng sardinas, pero hindi, mas karapatdapat tawaging para kayong nasa lata ng karne norte. Ganun kasi kasikip, kasiksik, at umaapaw sa loob ng shuttle, para tuloy kayong mga hibla ng karne norte (yung iba chunky pa). Makakapagsenti ka pa ba kung halos di ka na makagalaw at kung anu-ano at sinu-sino na ang nakakadampi sa kung saan-saang parte ng katawan mo?

Buti nalang may taxi. Kahit 30 pesos ang minimum at 2.50 ang dagdag kada ilang metro, ayos pangsenti. naka-aircon ka kasi, may radyo pang kasama. pagsakay mo maririnig mo pa ang kantang Fixing a Broken Heart. Yung parte na "I hailed a taxi in the rain, looking for some place to ease the pain…" Naks! Tamang-tama sa iyo. Umuulan kasi nung mga panahong yun kaya ikaw naman nakatulala at tinitingnan ang mga tulo ng patak ng ulan sa bintana ng taxi. Tapos na ang kanta, narinig mo kasi yung DJ sa radyo sabi "Alam mo na yan!" Sus ko, si manong driver fan ng 101.9. Ayos lang naman kasi bababa ka na din sa mall na pupuntahan mo. 72.50 ang nakalagay sa metro. 80 pesos ang pera mo. Sabi ni manong wala daw siyang 7.50. Ayaw mo na makipagtalo, pagod ka na din kasi sa mga argumento at pakikipag-away. Hinayaan mo na lang. Kasalanan mo kasi. Gusto mo magsenti eh.

Pagbaba mo ng taxi, nabasa ka ng ulan. Hindi ka kasi nagdala ng payong. Hindi rin kasi pangsenti ang payong. Ang alam mo kasi ang mga nagsesenti nagpapakabasa sa ulan habang umiiyak. Ayun, nagka-ubo at sipon ka pa tuloy. Kinailangan mo pang dumaan ng botika para bumili ng neozep at biogesic para di ka tuluyang lagnatin. Dagdag gastos tuloy. Ayos lang. Mas kaya mo ang pisikal na karamdaman kaysa emosyonal na sakit. Gusto mo magsenti eh. Malungkot ka kasi.

Sa loob ng mall gagastos ka ng madami. Bibili ka ng mga bagay na di mo naman kailangan. Manonood ka ng sine. Ayaw mo sa SM kasi masikip ang seating arrangement dun, hindi mo maiunat ang mga binti mo. Kaya sa mas mahal na sinehan ka pupunta. Doon, mas komportable ka, mas maiuunat mo ang mga binti mo habang kumakain ka ng unlimited popcorn at drinks. Maganda rin sa I-MAX (kaiba sa ibang sinehan ng SM) kasi pagpasok mo, bibigyan ka pa nila ng salamin para isuot mo at makita ang 3D sa malaking screen ang pelikula, maluwag din ang seating arrangement. Mas kapani-paniwala ang palabas, at mas mahal. Ok lang, malungkot ka naman.

Kamusta naman ang pitaka mo?  Ayun, malungkot na rin. Wala na kasi siyang lamang pera. Ok lang? Ok lang. malungkot ka kasi.

(itutuloy…)